Her First Ballet class

Yup. I let go. And so did she. And I watched excitedly, heart all throbbing in my throat as my little blonde one walked across the cold concrete floor, all shy and smirky. Turning back for my approval, my thumbs-up, my silent clapping charade and mouthing of words she didn't understand. Things like It's Okay. Go On. And I love you.



My girl did so good.




At one point, the teacher called the girls together. "Hold hands," she said, nodding down at Rylee "She's not gonna do it," I thought. And I waited. I saw the studio owner peek in the glass, anticipating what followed as much as I was. I watched as my girl stretched her arm out, grasped hands with the little to her side and

completed the circle.

And I sighed relief and took it in. And wavered between cheeks aching from smiling so much and eyes pooling with tears. I was so proud.

Through the glass, I watched her be a girl. A proud, dancing little girl.

The Night Before Kindergarten

Dear Grayson,

Well, here we are--the night before kindergarten. You are already asleep, not very far from me. In fact, after you fell asleep tonight, I laid next to you, molding your hand around my finger to grasp it just like you did when you were small.

You're still small. Even though you're six.

Today was special. We spent the day together--just you and me--and because I know that things are changing a bit tomorrow, I couldn't help but think a lot today about how we've had so many of these special days--and yes, we'll have so many more. But I wish I could rewind and feel a few of those baby days again. Maybe even if we only had ten rewinds in our entire lifetime, and we had to choose carefully when we could use one. Well, today I would have bought a vowel. I would have cashed in one rewind and cherished every second of its replay. I would have held you tighter, read one more book, kissed one more cheek, snuggled you in that rocking chair one more minute before I laid you in your crib.

This isn't the way it works though. Hindsight builds with time which means, baby, I'll be the best grandma ever to your kids. But this week I'll forget again. I might get frustrated or tired or a little impatient when you take fifteen minutes to tie your own shoes in the back seat when I'm trying to get out of the driveway to make it somewhere on time.

Let me tell you something though. This feeling I'm feeling right now the night before kindergarten? It's going to come again and again and again. In between the days that parenting is challenging, through the exhaustion, even after teenage arguments. My heart will always hurt loving you.

I can tell you're nervous. I am too. And I have replayed in my mind so many times what tomorrow will look like. I want you to be happy. I want you to run into that classroom and feel the opportunity that exists between those walls, in those books, through those friends. You might not feel it right away, and that's hard for me. Because I won't be there to hold your hand when you're feeling a little bit insecure, reminding you of your strengths and the happiness that exists around you. And I have been there the past six years.

But I'm here in a different way (Baby Boy, I am always here...you can't get rid of me). Thinking of you at home. Looking forward to your stories. Knowing that we're both stretching and growing together.



The parts about my character and my own story that I am most proud of? They came with uncomfortable moments when sometimes I had to step out on my own and recognize that I am strong, I am capable and I am full of potential. It exists inside every one of us, and I know you're going to discover so much of it this year.

I left you an "I love you" note in your lunchbox today...I hope it makes you happy and not embarrassed when you see it.

I am sad that you won't be here every day with me, but mostly I am so excited to watch you soar. It won't be long before you'll be running to the car, excitedly rattling off the days events, who you met, what you made. You'll pull projects from your backpack, and we'll proudly hang them on our walls. You'll correct us when we call your friends by the wrong name, and soon you won't need to hold our hands through the school hallways because you will own them.

Maybe not tomorrow...but soon.

Gray, the world awaits. Go paint your colors. xoxo

Love,
Mom

My Girl & Her Really Fabulous Party

I could go the complete sappy, I'm-gonna-cry route where I wax on about what the day really meant--that she's three. That she's taught me so much this past year. That three years actually separates me from the moment her little self was placed in my outstretched arms and my old heart was replaced with a new one.





But I won't...because that gets it's own post. But I will tell you about her party.


Parties are my thing.









I thrive on planning them. I don't throw many these days...except when it comes to celebrating the moment they entered my world. Because I can't think of anything better to celebrate so big than a birthday. A Birth Day. The Birth of love and wonder and goodness like no other.







So, we go big. And after months of planning, when it's all unleashed, I cry.








I cry watching all the Littles arrive...watching my girl's big eyes and shy smile and realization that this is all to celebrate her life. Her day.






I cry hearing music and laughter and mamas and kids and knowing that this day celebrates not only the joy she brings to us but the joy our friends bring to her.


With no further ado...a very fabulous Princess And The Pea Party for my love, my girl, my Priss Pot, my sprite, for turning 3.

How is it possible that you've been on this Earth for almost 3 whole years?

Looking forward to tomorrow...and the next day...and the next.

because we are blessed, and every day holds new smiles.

These Two...

Are the Reason I Breathe.

Six Years

Here I am, six years to the day, getting all emotional because my baby is turning a year older. Does this ever end? The crying, the reminiscing, the longing to nurse him just one last time? I know that you're rolling your eyes as you're reading this, Gray.....but once upon a time, not long ago (that's how Sissy always starts her storytelling)...there was this girl who received the greatest gift imaginable. She became a mother.




These moments? I have them forever. These are the ones I'll go back to both when things are rough and when life feels glorious.



When parenting is hard, when years replace days in separating me from the moment he arrived, when I don't have the answers and he's not tiny and I'm not the one and only thing he needs for survival, I'll remember what it felt like to be handed my son--how quickly and deeply that love began, and I'll find perspective hidden in these memories.

Unstuck

I have been at a standstill for far too long. I've been stuck. In my everyday life as a Mommy, as a wife, as a friend, as a daughter of our King, I've been stuck....and it stops today. My heart and mind are overflowing with thoughts, pictures, feelings, dreams, and experiences and I have a longing to share with others. For so long I was just a Mommy and wife. And that was enough for me. It was all I ever wanted. I prayed for it everyday for so many years.

"Lord, let me find the perfect man for me, someone to share my soul with and my life with. Let him be a man of God. Father, please bless me with beautiful, healthy children. All I want to do is be a Mommy...a stay at home mommy...and that we can afford to live our lives and enjoy our lives with me staying home." After everything that I've done in my past...ingesting dangerous things into my body, this body that HE gave me, after every mistake that I've made over and over again, after every stupid decision that I've followed thinking it would bring me happiness...a glimpse of joy....begging and pleading with Him if He would just do this, I will do this......

 These two have changed me.



 All my regrets, all my hurt, all my pain, through every step of the way, He is still here.
He never left me. He never let me go.
 He has blessed me 7 x 70 times.
 He has blessed me in my marriage, in my friendships, in my photography, in my finances, in my faith, in every single aspect of my life.

 He is constantly molding me, stretching me, pushing me to my limits as a mother and a wife and a friend and as a Christ follower to say the right thing....even if no one wants to hear it. Forgive that person for hurting you, even if she has no idea that her words hurt you. Love your children with your entire being and train them in the way that they should go, even when the rest of the world is failing you...and them. Love your husband unconditionally and support him, even when all you want to do is scream, "I'm riiiiiiiiiiiiggggghhhhhht, you're wrooooonnnnnnnng!"

 Be the woman, the mom, the friend, the daughter that you were made in MY image to be. He has given me abundant joy in every inch of my soul. Our Father is so full of grace, and mercy, and I want to shout it from the rooftops!!!!! I can no longer contain all that He is teaching me. I must get it out in some form.

 So, I'm back. I'm blogging. I'm letting my creative juices flow again.

 I've been stuck for so long thinking "how can I possibly find the time with being a full time wife, a full time mommy, a full time photographer, a part time house cleaner, a part time health and wellness promoter a part time friend??????"

 Well, I stopped making excuses and I took a leap.
 This is a place for me...just me...to reflect on my life, my journey through this life with my family and my faith. A place to reflect on the past when I was too busy to share, to explore Him, to be explored.

  ~One of my favorite readings from Jesus Calling: Learn to enjoy life more. When you walk through life with childlike delight, savoring every blessing, you proclaim your trust in Me. Glorify Me through your pleasure in Me. By doing that, you proclaim My Presence to the world.