I. Can't. Breathe.

My heart is already aching. I just said, "goodbye" to my little angel and my husband. He looked so grown up with his "big boy" back pack and his "big boy" sippy cup, sitting in his "big boy" car seat. I kissed him a kazillion times and then once more, and then once more, and then once more. They are on a very dangerous journey to Dallas to have breakfast with our family. I won't be there. I have to work. Sniff...sniff. I loathe cheesecake right now.

Kevin and I have plans to go to our friend's birthday party tonight.....I had plans to take our son....Kevin didn't. So, Grayson will be spending the night with his Mimi and Pappi, in a galaxy far, far away. Now, I realize this won't be his first night away from home. It will be his third. That doesn't make it any easier.

I couldn't sleep last night.....tossing and turning. Grayson was fighting fire breathing dragons with his Little Tykes sword, desperately trying to find me locked up in an evil tower in The Bronx. He was sweaty and dirty and I could do NOTHING for him.

Maybe I watched too much TV last night. Maybe.

All I wanted to do was go into his room, pick him up, and smother him with endless kisses. But, I let him sleep, instead.

Today he will go to a fancy restaurant for brunch, nap, go swimming, eat some sort of delicious meal that his Mimi prepares for him, play with his doggie cousins, nap, take his first steps.....I won't be there. I will be looking at EVERY little boy that comes into my restaurant....longing to pick them up, squeeze their cherub cheeks, and kiss them a kazillion times.

I have so much anxiety right now and I fear it won't subside until 10 a.m. tomorrow when I walk through my in laws door and see Grayson's sweet face. Will he remember me? Will he wonder where I am while he's swimming? Will he think it's strange that his Mommy isn't bathing him tonight? Will he be sad while getting his diaper changed that no one's singing a silly song to him? Will Kevin ease up on the gas while driving on the tollway because he knows I would tell him to? Will Pappi really watch him around the dogs like I would? Will he forget pat-a-cake and how funny it is when Mommy "throws him in a pan?"

I have faith in my family that they will do everything right....but really, is anything but "Mommy's way" ever good enough? I have to go to work now...but I would just like to say:


Grayson, it's only been 30 minutes since you left, but it feels like an eternity.

Kevin, you have the most precious cargo in the world, and that idiot kid who's texting and not paying attention to the road, just doesn't realize. Be alert.

Mimi and Pappi, I love you...please take care of my heart.

People at Cheesecake, please don't think I'm some head case when I twirl your son's hair or check his pants for a poopie diaper.....I'm a mom, and I'm just really, really sad today.

Grayson, this is for you:

"Eenie meanie pepsodeenie ooh mah bopsodeenie, education, libertion, I love you! Tuity Fruity! Down, down baby, down by the riverside. Sweet, sweet baby, no place to let you go. Shimmy rock, shimmy rock, shimmy shimmy shimmy rock. Caught cha with your girlfriend naughty naughty. Jumped out the window crazy crazy. Didn't do the dishes lazy lazy. Eenie meanie pepsodeenie ooh mah bopsodeenie, education, liberation, I love you! Tuity Fruity!"