FOURTEEN

Grayson~

Fourteen months ago today, you were born...

Determined to come into the world, you knocked several times without me hearing you. You rang the bell probably but my hands were over my ears and I was singing, "lalala." A little boy version of your father. I didn't think I was ready for you at first. Ha! I was wrong.

I touched my belly and felt you flicker. I knew you were faceless, a cluster of cells the size of a seed, and yet you had become me. You were more than a biological effect, you were a manifestation of a future unknown for both of us and all of us and so I dreamt of you for nine months.

I dreamt of you as a boy with big hazel eyes and as a girl with long blonde hair. I dreamt of giving birth to your father. I dreamt of giving birth to myself. I dreamt of unwrapping a globe with unfamiliar land , a world I could never imagine.

I spoke to you and wrote letters, not yet knowing your name. Secrets and stories and the way I felt carrying you around with me, everywhere I went. I took a road trip to Hot Springs with you inside me, a girl's trip. Just the two of us and Nana and Grannie stopping at the top of the city to meditate, before coming home, feet dangling from the bluffs. It was our alone time.

You met me a month later.

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In the last 14 months you have held up a mirror and taught me more about life than I imagined I could ever learn from an infant, a baby, and now a toddler. You are my muse. I look at you and I see life. I see the fabulousness of dirt because you throw up your hands full of filth and smile sheepishly. You are the love of my life. You humble me. I am a greater person because of you. You, you, you. I am not defined by motherhood but it is very possible that a major part of how I define myself is being YOUR Mother. You: Grayson Michael, the little boy with the marble eyes and crazy hair.

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If I have not thanked you a trillion times, THANK YOU, once more. Thank you for sneaking in through my window and saying Boo! Here I am! Thank you for stirring and purring and screaming and crying and laughing and talking and standing and jumping. You are my exclamation point in a world of dot-dot-dots.

Instead of feeling like more of a grown-up, you have brought back the whimsical qualities of youth, the joy of life. I feel like I am a little girl again, pigtails and sneaking cookies from the jar. Building forts with you and jumping on the bed.
Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo BooksI didn't used to dance in the middle of the grocery store until I met you. I didn't used to put flowers in my hair and play peekaboo behind every tree. I didn't used to fall face-first in love. Thank you for that. Life is so much more fun dirty and messy than neat and tidy and boring and bleh.

I think if I were 14 months old we would be best friends.
Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo BooksI think I would enjoy shredding magazine pages with you and loving on Bentley and swaying to the music and laughing at the squirrels as they chase each other across the sidewalk.

I love you. Like an imaginary friend come to life, my little monkey that eats off my plate and smears grahm cracker on my face and scratches my eyeballs out of my head.

I love when I come home from work

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Booksand you are sleeping so peacefully with soft, little snores and as I bend over to pick you up, you let out a soft, little sigh to say "All is right with the world, Mama"....and I love on you for just a little before putting you back down. That feeling. That little lump of life in my arms, gentley breathing, that's all I need. You are all I need.

You are still inside of me, like it or not. You have that belly-button in case you forgot. (That rhymed.) I feel kind of lame and a little redundant writing you all of these letters and maybe one day when you read them you will put your hands over your ears and say "lalala" but for now I'll keep writing them because they help me remember all the moments and feelings that get lost in the quickness of life and watching you grow.


What they say is true. It does go by so fast. Thank you for reminding me to slow down and enjoy the ride. Happy fourteen months of life, little Prince.

Loving you like an insane person,
Mommy