Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
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It's been three days. Three days since I last rubbed her old lady whiskers. Three days since I last smelled her sweet breath. Three days since I last felt her lick my toes.
It's been three days since my heart broke into a million pieces and I just can't seem to pick them up and move on.
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I know I need time to grieve.....but it's so hard to find the time when I'm constantly trying to entertain an almost three year old. I can't be sad around him. I can't let him see me cry. Not about this. I can't be sad because I don't want him to be sad....I want him to know that she's in Heaven with Jesus and that that is something to be happy about.
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So I wait. I wait until no one is around and I crawl into my unmade bed and smother my face in my pillow and just let.it.all.out.
And I feel better now.
Now I can write about that night. The night that Kevin and I will never forget...the night that stood still for what seemed like an eternity. The night that brought us closer....if that is even possible.
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Looking back, I first started noticing something was wrong about 2 months ago. Bentley was shedding uncontrollably. I knew it was summer and that dogs shed in the summer...but this was different. In 7 years, it had never been this bad.
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We joked about how she must be going through "meno-paws".....funny at the time. But in the back of my mind....something was saying, "this isn't right".
She was acting fine...like her normal self....maybe a little bit more lazy...but it was the middle of summer.
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I noticed Saturday morning she didn't jump up in bed with me like she normally did when Kevin got in the shower. This has been her routine for years. As soon as his alarm clock would go off in the mornings, she would wait patiently for him to get out of bed and she would ever so sneakily jump right in and fill his spot. Most mornings I never even knew that he had left.....I would feel her warm body next to mine and never budge. On the days that he felt the need to snooze 13 times in a row....she would just sit next to his side of the bed and let out the biggest sigh...as if saying, "Seriously dude??? 13 times???? Get up, you're gonna be late for work and I'm ready to cuddle with Mama".
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But when I woke Saturday, she was lying on the living room rug. I went to work, came home, got ready for a party, and walked out the door with Kevin leaving Grayson and Bentley home with my parents. The next morning she was lying on the living room rug. We were out the door headed for lunch and then a long day of shopping. We came home around 6 that evening and she didn't meet us at the door. Strange. She was laying on the living room rug. Again. We chalked it up to her being tired from playing with my parents dog all weekend.
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As I walked to the bedroom, I noticed a big puddle of....what was that??? Pee???? She hadn't peed in the house in years.....she's held it for longer than 15 hours before.....what was going on? I looked at her and she just looked so ashamed.
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The next morning, Gray and I ran some errands and arrived home after lunch.....she didn't meet us at the door. She had been laying on her bed in our room...I had to go look for her. I layed down and rubbed her ears and scratched her old lady whiskers and she just layed there and licked my hands...never once wagging her tail.
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She finally walked to her water bowl and I heard that it was empty so I refilled it and she licked it dry....in a matter of seconds.
Kev came home around 6 and she didn't budge from the living room rug. He layed down with her and loved on her without wagging her tail....so unlike her. He's her knight in shining armor....he hung the moon in her eyes....she's ALWAYS been HIS baby girl....something was so not right.
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I finished making dinner and as we sat down to eat, she got up and walked very slowly to her water bowl....again licking it bone dry. Kevin noticed that her belly looked "puffy".....it looked SWOLLEN.....I told him when we were finished with dinner, he needed to take her to the ER.
And then it hit me. Cancer. It's back. How could I have been so naive...so stupid???
But she hadn't been vomiting like before.....she hadn't seemed sick...my heart sank.
She was trying to be so strong....she was laying under the table, licking my feet....comforting ME!
Oh Bentley! Boo bear....I'm so sorry!! How long have you been feeling so horrible and yet acting so strong???
Kevin called me from the vet and and through his tears he told me that I needed to get there as soon as I could...that we didn't have long.
A mass of cancer had grown in her stomach and was shutting down all of her organs.....she wouldn't be coming back home this time. This was it. I had to be strong....for her and for him.
When I walked into that cold, back room and saw her and Kevin laying on the floor with a layer of white fur laying around her like snow....I lost it.
I couldn't help it. I cried like a baby...holding her and my husband, knowing that this would be the last time I could love on her. Oh God, "Why"?????
Kevin and I made the decision to stay while they gave her the "shots"...the vet called it her "Heaven juice"...I liked that. It was very peaceful and very quick. She licked both of our hands one last time as if she knew.....how did she know?
When she exhaled her last breath...there was a very peaceful calm and then all at once, the other dogs in the kennel started barking. It gave me chills, but also a peace....as if they were telling us that she wasn't in pain any longer. How did they know???
That night was the hardest....I couldn't sleep and knew Kevin couldn't either....we held each other all night, without saying a word.
I woke up the next morning and couldn't breathe. Kevin had left for work and she wasn't laying beside me and it hit me. She's really gone.
Yesterday was a little easier.
Today, a little more.
I don't think this hole will ever fully heal....I've washed everything with her hair on it, I've swept and vaccumed and mopped a half a dozen times....but each time I walk in the house, I anticipate her running to the door, wagging her tail. I cooked her favorite meal tonight. Ribeyes. Kevin never eats the fat and she knows this and would wait so patiently for it. Tonight it all went to waste and it made me sad. Grayson dropped a piece of meat on the ground and immediately said, "It's okay, Beet Deet will get it"...but she didn't. She wasn't there.
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I know time will heal our hearts but the pain of losing her will never truly go away. She was our first "baby" and she has been through it all with us. Every apartment. Every burnt dinner. Our engagement. Our wedding. My first and second pregnancy. Bringing home Grayson for the very first time. Getting up every two hours for the first 2 months of his life.
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I miss you Bentley Boo Bear.....I really, really do.
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Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
7 comments:
Oh Missy I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can only imagine what you are going thru and I am sorry that you are having to. You, Kevin, Grayson, and Rylee will be in my thoughts and prayers. Love ya'll!
Missy I am so sorry!! Thank you for sharing from your heart!! It made be ball :*( I am praying for comfort for you, it is such a hard thing to go through... they are so much a part of our family and everything you do around the house will remind you of her!! It will sllllooowlly get better... but is extremely difficult through it all!! Love you!! xoxox
This is the poem that they sent to me after we put jasper down!! It makes me cry every time i read it :)
RAINBOW BRIDGE.....
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
Bently Boo Bear you are forever in our hearts! I know this is so hard and I am so sorry Missy. What an amazing life she was able to have, thanks to you, Kevin & Grayson. Such a sweet & loving little lady. With sweet kisses that I never minded....
Always remember that you have all the precious memories and that she is not hurting. She was loved by all that met her...
I love you!!!
Oh I am so so sorry. Said a prayer for you all. Hang in there!
Missy sweetie! I'm so sorry to hear this. I read it last week and was bawling. What sweet memories you guys have made with her. Hang in there. love you!
Oh Missy,
I have been away from the blog world for so long. I made my first post in 5 or 6 months on my blog a couple of days ago, and I am afraid it has been at least that long since I have even read anyone's blog.
Reading about your loss breaks my heart, and I ache for & with you. I am so sorry, honey. I know that there are no words to say or that can be written that can ease your heart ache. I know that the loss of a pet IS the loss of a family member. I know that pieces of your heart will never be the same without that sweet little girl.
I also know that God can heal... or at the very least provide relief to aches that hurt clear to the bone.
You, & your beautiful family are in my prayers.
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