A Million Tornadoes

When God places a burden upon you, He places His arms underneath you." --L.B. Cowman



Lord, I'm holding on fiercely to your word....please make this hurt go away.



I've been in a rut, letting myself throw too many Table for 1 pity parties the past few weeks.

Seriously, I feel awful for complaining. But there's just so much stuff.

Stuff to be done, to be un-done. Planned, put away, washed, bought, we're out of toilet paper again.....oh I could go on. And on.

Today I got a ticket. In a work zone. Awesome.

And last night, my husband gave me some news that broke my heart into a million pieces.

Not to mention the high pitched voice of a certain two-almost-two-and-a-half-year-old that I just wasn't sure I could take ONEMORESECONDOF today and then the instant guilt and regret for thinking that, because some Moms would give anything for ONEMORESECONDOF that voice.

I'm just exhausted.

I've been working more and seeing my husband and son less.

Gray is sick. Kev had to stay later at work. I make dinner, take care of Grayson and all of his sickly two year old demands, and try to wash clothes as I go, while sweeping the ever constant dirty floor. Make Grayson waffles. Make Grayson oatmeal. Make Grayson left over spaghetti....anything...just please eat something!

I know you're sick, love....but you can't have fruit snacks and M&M's for dinner.

This takes us directly to the bath. And once he is all clean and jammied, I hand out frosting covered cookies.....because it's been a long day and they're my favorite. And we watch Handy Manny together. The four of us....bundled up on the couch. Me, Bentley, Grayson, and Daddy. Time for bed. "One more Handy Manny PEEEEAAASE Momma!"

I don't give in. But I do read an extra story and dish out extra back scratches and tell him he can take one more truck to bed....
Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printingthis seems to satisfy and he's off to sleep.

I fold and put away some laundry, rub Bentley's ears, catch up on DVR'd shows with Kev. All the while wondering if the wet clothes in the wash are starting to mildew and seeing fur balls roll around on the wood floor.

We head to bed and I pick up things along the way. Bedtime. I lie in bed trying to sleep. For a long time. My brain won't turn off. I realize ever since Kev told me the news.....I've been going non-stop. Maybe that will make it not real.

And as I am lying there I feel like I didn't really get a thing done, that when I wake up in the morning it will look like a million tornadoes came right through my living room and kitchen. There will be a pile of dishes still in the sink. Floors that still need sweeping. Trucks everywhere.
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But I know that my child and Husband and dog love me. And I know that they know I love them.

This feels good, because the other nights when I do get some things done for myself or the house is cleaner but I had to raise my voice a time or two, I lie in bed and feel like I am the worst Mom ever. And wonder if they really know how very much I love them.

Clean house = I'm happier for the moment but at the end of the day = guilt and regret

Messy house = boys know I love them at the end of the day = I feel like a good Mom and wife (but overwhelmed by stuff)

I know there has to be a reasonable balance for this all. Maybe it won't come until Grayson and his future sibling are a bit older and I'm out of the baby years. Maybe I need to be easier on myself and just go with it for now, and stop letting myself feel so much.

But......I feel too much.

My heart is broken and I'm not sure if it can be fixed.

No matter how many times I repeat it in my head....it doesn't sound any better or feel less real. Bentley has cancer.

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My Bentley Boo Bear. My Baby. My "first child". My best friend. My toe licker.

My dog.

About a year ago, Kev noticed what we thought may have been a spider bite on her hind leg. This past summer it got bigger and bigger and we finally decided to take her in to have it looked at. The first vet was a total prick and said it looked like a benign growth. He sent us home with a $50 steroid spray and that was that. It got worse. It doubled it's size in less than a month. My mind told me to keep spraying the steroid on it, but my heart told me otherwise.

I took her to another vet. Our old, beloved , expensive vet....for another opinion. He immediately said it should be removed and biopsied. So, on Black Friday, Kev took her in early to have her surgery and picked her up later that evening while I was at work.

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A mortgage payment worth of Dr. bills later, she was a brand new dog. She was frolicking around like a puppy....wanting to play and chase and chew.

And she still is.....but when Kev told me the news from the doctor last night...I don't know....I stopped thinking and started busying myself and never stopped. And now, I'm home alone....just me and Bentley. Grayson is with his Nana and Pawpaw. And I'm home alone...with her. And I've lost it.

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Sometimes we need to cry. Hard. Without worrying about anyone else hearing or seeing.

I needed this. This time alone with her. Just the two of us.....to tell her I'm here and I'm not leaving. And to let her lick my toes.